Seek First to Understand

This week, I've been discussing relationships as we visit with family and friends over the holidays. Understanding what constitutes a deposit or withdrawal in an emotional bank account is only the beginning. But how does one do that?

The key to understanding an individual is empathetic listening. This is so much more than hearing the words coming out of his or her mouth. First of all, as much as 90% of communication is non-verbal such as pitch, volume, tone, body language, and environment. Tone for example can be used for expressing emphasis, contrast, or emotion of the person speaking. Pitch and volume can definitely be used to show sincerity and emphasis. Body language and facial expressions speak volumes about the general meaning and context of the message.

This is why women seem to be better at empathetic listening than men. Women pay much more attention to the non verbal part of communication. Men are usually very straightforward and simple when it comes to communication. They tend to focus on the words for the meaning.

The key is to be able to understand from the other person's perspective, or "putting yourself in the other person's shoes". Once you understand how the other person perceives (sees) things, you will have the context on how to understand her message, and ultimately her needs. Once the needs of both parties are known, there can be cooperation to work together so that both sets of needs are met creating a win/win situation. When this is done, the bond of the relationship grows immensely stronger.

Showing that you care about the other person, how she thinks, what's important to her, is so very important to new relationships as it is to lifelong partners. When you do this first, to seek the understanding of the other person, the chances are greatly improved that the other person will respond in kind. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. That is what makes or breaks empathetic listening.

My mouth will speak words of wisdom;
the utterance from my heart will give understanding. Psalms 49:3 (NIV)


If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me at the address below.
Email: DeltaInspire@panama-vo.com